Home Coming 2017

This is my safe-territory. It's good to have a place to dump my thoughts without any lens of judgment. So anyways, I have been thinking about what kind of life do I want to live and what do I value my goal tonight is to write as much as I can coherently. The past few months have been a roller-coaster ride, and the ride with its peaks and troughs has made me self-reflect a lot and come to these conclusions. Past: The perfect one I have been single for most of my life, and a large part of the reason is that I did not know who I was, and hence did not end up falling for anyone. I was using a broad criteria checklist for finding the perfect one - open-minded, health-conscious, hiker/and traveler, an engaging conversationalist, a feminist, tech-savvy, smart and good looking, funny and sarcastic. I have been looking for about more than a decade and it is very clear that my checklist is an absolute piece of shit. It took me a long time(!) to realize the checklist approach will just not work for falling in love. Present: There is no perfect one I still want to fall in love but what I am looking for in my companion has changed. I am looking for someone who wants to be at my side with all my faults, who can push me in a good way to be in my stretch zone, who can just let me be, who can connect with me emotionally and appreciate the goofball within me, and who likes and loves and values me for the person I am than for my titles or achievements or accomplishments. There is something about MBA that converted me into a really driven person that I am not. A part of me felt compelled to do something big just because I was at Sloan. I probably felt an urge to validate my degree from MIT Sloan by finding the next hottest startup to work with which would get the next biggest exit. A part of it could be explained by my drive to comprehend aka challenge, more responsibility but I feel that I was almost blinded by my drive and I missed out on several friendships that could have been. I better understand myself now and that titles, power, career progression to a VP/CEO mean squat to me and that there are other things that I value and cherish more. It took a really long-time for the home run but I am glad that I am finally here. And, letting go of something you hold so close is blissfully liberating. The life I want: I value and want every bit of cheesiness and goofiness that relationship offers. I never understood the forever long conversations, the baby-talk, the hand-holding, the blind love. I was too cool and above all of that. Now it means the world to me. I can't wait to create memories- travel, hold hands, lie down in a park, have stupid fights over not texting, take selfies, cook, watch netflix, read books, work out: just live. I want to capture the feeling of each and every moment. I never understood why kids brought so much of joy to parents, and did not want to have kids but I am not sure what changed- may it was spending time with Yamuna in January - but I want to have not one but two kids- clean up after them, run after them, make pigtails, go to their games at school, pack lunch for them, sing nursery rhymes and raise them to be strong self-sufficient individuals. I have reached an inflexion point in my life where the personal trumps the professional. It took me so long, but I am so glad I am here.

7 years have passed!

Just so glad to stumble back on my blog and go through some posts, so young and naive. Some things never change, the grammar, the procrastination, the sadness. The last time I wrote a post when I was 24 yrs old and I seem to be sad for some god forsaken reason. What would I do to go back to my 24 yr self. If only I had the perspective then but if wishes were horses, then beggars would ride. And by theory of induction, I can apply the same perspective to my 31 yr self so that when the 37 yr self visits this blog, I will not have regrets. So, what's new? I am at MIT Sloan to get my MBA and at the cusp of graduation! Lots of action and drama filled with learning, people and activity. The highlight of my 2 years is that I have been finally able to break away my shell that I built around myself after being strongly hurt during undergrad. I experienced and felt love to lose it all away quickly before I even realized what was happening. I am unhappy about the way it ended but I am happy to realize that deep inside I am alive and that I can harbor such intense feelings which can make me accept a person unconditionally with all their faults. I was always afraid that I had become a person who used societal lens and judgment to validate my choices and made superficial choices. Though a heavy feeling of sadness hangs in my chest, I am just happy to realize that I am true to myself and that I have not become the person I was scared I would become. Looking forward to life and feeling alive. Bring it on!